two little engine problems

[johnl]

I'm not stupid. I know to do that already. In fact at no point did I say "I'm a moron who has never checked the oil before"

The dipstick is collecting oil in the tube when it's reinserted , meaning i don't even have to insert the dipstick in all the way before it collects enough oil to appear as though it's full. it's just scraping oil off the sidewall of the tube

My apologies. The way I read (or misread) how you worded your post suggested a very basic level of misunderstanding. I have to say that I've not had a similar issue when checking the oil level on my Accord, my dipstick tube doesn't collect enough oil on it's walls to give a misleading reading.

I do have a similar issue to what you are describing on our Saab, but with that car the oil is poured down the same tube that the dipstick occupies (a relatively large diameter tube). After pouring in new oil the sides of the tube can be covered in enough oil that some rubs onto the dipstick and makes getting a clear level reading more difficult, unless you wait a little longer than with most other cars (I have the same trouble with the Briggs engine in my ride-on mower). It doesn't create a problem when just checking the level.

I am wondering why you are getting a significant amount of oil travelling up the tube. An explanation may be that crankcase pressure is high (due to excessive blow-by gas and / or blocked crankcase breathing system) and some pressurised gas may be escaping through the dip stick tube, possibly carrying some oil at least part way up the tube as it does so. Do you ever find that the dip-stick isn't quite seated at the top of the tube? If so then this might be because the pressure is pushing the dip-stick up until the dip-stick seal is no longer sealing the crankcase...