pooping footlong turds

[sanJ_01]

subscribed lmao, i thought i was the only one that feels accomplished when it doesnt break

[redlined302]

ahhhhh ive done that before when dropping off master pieces leaving your phone behind FTL

[Quashish]

thought id share. usually i like to take my time because as we all know its not so much pushing as relaxing. but a lot of times i end up with my legs falling asleep. like just know and i kinda wrecked the toilet. it was a 4 flusher. 3 prior to whipping out the plunger. so im finally done and as im washing my hands i realize i have to piss.

what you gunna do.

[Law Grandeur]

blah i get multiflushers all the time. its like built up methane fart gas build into the making of a poop so when you try to flush, it just floats up and stays up. annoying as all hell

[crazymikey]

Our toilet at work sucks. It has a really weak flush. A shit that would take my own toilet one flush takes this one like 2 or 3.

Had a couple incidents where I needed to plunge it. I hate shitting at work.

I've finally got in the groove of work shitting now, and just flush pretty much any time something enters the bowl. Not only is it acting as courtesy flushes, it's preventing clogs.

[illinois_erik]

If it floats youre eating too much fatty stuff.
1. THE PHANTOM
One the most delightful yet rare shits of them all. Like a Copperfield trick, it vanishes down the toilet and leaves no trace what so ever — not even on the paper when you try to wipe. MAGIC.

2. THE JET STREAM
Your bowels need to be emptied like they’ve been vacuuming a pool. Why? I don’t know, but this is one of the nastiest, most uncomfortable shits since you’re basically pissing out your ass.

3. THE HELICOPTER
This is one of those situations when the only available toilet is clogged and you have to make the decision of either shitting there or shitting in your pants. Since there isn’t even a little bit of paper to cover the seat (of course, ’cause what kind of place lets their only stay clogged BUT is courteous enough to make sure you have enough toilet paper), you have to use all your strength to hold yourself up on your legs as you hover-squat over the bowl while emptying your insides, trying to minimize the gross bounce-back, but then after a couple of minutes your legs start to shiver like a baby deer and you’re giving it everything you have to finish the deal just to get the hell out of there. Fuck! That was better exercise than running a fucking marathon.

5. THE QUICKIE
This is what happens when you try to rush a shit. HUGE MISTAKE. Never rush a shit. You’ll get anus rash from all that forceful pushing and shoddy wiping.

6. THE HANGOVER
This, the most diverse shit, begins as a hard turd. You think everything’s going okay, but then all of the sudden it changes into pulp — then into water! Then wet farts filled with corn, bar peanuts and burrito sauce from last night. At the end, your asshole is just in agony, screaming “I don’t even know who my friends are anymore!”

7. THE SHY POOP
Whenever you travel, for some reason your shit gets scared. The best way to deal with this is to make it feel at home: Grab a Big Mac and you’ll be shittin’ in no time.

8. THE “OH SHIT”
Just a fart with a warm feeling coming out of your ass…. Wait. What? Yeah, you just shat your pants.

9. THE TELL-TALE SHIT
This one might come in different forms: little shit crumbs floating in the toilet or that classic smear on the bottom of the toilet bowl. Either way, everyone will know that you just took a shit. And yes, they will be able to smell you for the rest of the night.

10. THE NAG
Like an annoying ex, this is the poop that doesn’t leave you alone. Just when you think you’re finished, you start feeling some left over turds stirring, so you have to stay sitting and do the whole thing all over again — No! We’ve gone through this before! We’re just not good for each other, alright?! Jesus, this is some really exhausting shit.

-LEON VILLALOBOS

[crazymikey]

Mine go down like the Titanic.

[redlined302]

If it floats youre eating too much fatty stuff.
1. THE PHANTOM
One the most delightful yet rare shits of them all. Like a Copperfield trick, it vanishes down the toilet and leaves no trace what so ever — not even on the paper when you try to wipe. MAGIC.

2. THE JET STREAM
Your bowels need to be emptied like they’ve been vacuuming a pool. Why? I don’t know, but this is one of the nastiest, most uncomfortable shits since you’re basically pissing out your ass.

3. THE HELICOPTER
This is one of those situations when the only available toilet is clogged and you have to make the decision of either shitting there or shitting in your pants. Since there isn’t even a little bit of paper to cover the seat (of course, ’cause what kind of place lets their only stay clogged BUT is courteous enough to make sure you have enough toilet paper), you have to use all your strength to hold yourself up on your legs as you hover-squat over the bowl while emptying your insides, trying to minimize the gross bounce-back, but then after a couple of minutes your legs start to shiver like a baby deer and you’re giving it everything you have to finish the deal just to get the hell out of there. Fuck! That was better exercise than running a fucking marathon.

5. THE QUICKIE
This is what happens when you try to rush a shit. HUGE MISTAKE. Never rush a shit. You’ll get anus rash from all that forceful pushing and shoddy wiping.

6. THE HANGOVER
This, the most diverse shit, begins as a hard turd. You think everything’s going okay, but then all of the sudden it changes into pulp — then into water! Then wet farts filled with corn, bar peanuts and burrito sauce from last night. At the end, your asshole is just in agony, screaming “I don’t even know who my friends are anymore!”

7. THE SHY POOP
Whenever you travel, for some reason your shit gets scared. The best way to deal with this is to make it feel at home: Grab a Big Mac and you’ll be shittin’ in no time.

8. THE “OH SHIT”
Just a fart with a warm feeling coming out of your ass…. Wait. What? Yeah, you just shat your pants.

9. THE TELL-TALE SHIT
This one might come in different forms: little shit crumbs floating in the toilet or that classic smear on the bottom of the toilet bowl. Either way, everyone will know that you just took a shit. And yes, they will be able to smell you for the rest of the night.

10. THE NAG
Like an annoying ex, this is the poop that doesn’t leave you alone. Just when you think you’re finished, you start feeling some left over turds stirring, so you have to stay sitting and do the whole thing all over again — No! We’ve gone through this before! We’re just not good for each other, alright?! Jesus, this is some really exhausting shit.

-LEON VILLALOBOS

wasnt this posted to funnyjunk.com?

[redlined302]

so anyone wanna tell me how the hell this happens?

[crazymikey]

I'm glad I can't smell photos.

That has some interesting curvature going on that's for sure.

[F20A CB7]

X2 to that. Wouldn't b long til someone comes out with a Smell feature on phones lol.

[redlined302]

Actually i heard that now that there are 3d tvs, they are in the process of developing 4d tvs. Which i was told by on of the higher ups at work that the 4th dimension is smell so they are trying to create smell-o-vision. If that does get created, ima email this pic to people i dont like and thell them to hook up their comp, ps3, xbox, etc to their tv and open the email i sent them. BUT dont hold me to the 4d thing i dont know how true or false that is, just something i heard.

[redlined302]

I'm glad I can't smell photos.

That has some interesting curvature going on that's for sure.

Dude it was bad the pic doesnt do the justice it stretched down into that little hole there. Sad part was when i sat back down more nuggets came out smh.

[redlined302]

The Tale of Ryans Poop Filled Friday Morning

It was a bright and sunny late March Friday morning. Ryan had to wake up earlier then usual as the morning routine was a little different as it included Ryan dropping his mother off at work after his little sister at school. Prior to taking the little girl to school, the trio stopped at the local mom and pop store for Ryans Moms morning caffeine. With that Ryan got some himself not knowing the hell it would cause for him. Ryan continued on with getting himself a Red Bull along with sodas for his mother and little sister. It was approxmitately 7:40 in the morning.

After leaving the store, they dropped off the little girl at school. Ryan and his mother then proceeded on to where she worked at. As they drove the mini van and had brief morning conversation while enjoying their drinks, it suddenly hit Ryan like a boxers punch upside the head. He was going to have to take a dump.

Ryan stepped on the gas taking the j 35 powered soccer mom mobile of a Honda Odyssey up to 5k rpms with vtec not skipping a beat! He hauled ass and dropped his mom off. She handed him her credit card and told him to gas the mini van up before heading home. Ryan hauled ass from her job to the local Fast Trip gas station. Hitting every red light and old fart in the little hick mountain town, Ryans stomache had the most horrible case of the BGs he has had in a while and he was squeezing his butt cheeks together in an attempt to not poop himself. Finally he roared up to the gas pump. Jumped out of the van, quickly got the pump going and ran inside! Much to his dismay, both stalls in the mens room were taken! Not thinking twice the young man sprinted across the street to Taco Bell. He ran into the bathroom with his pants already un-done, he dropped them and let it all explode out of him.

Prior to whiping he was shocked to see this master piece that was left:


Shocked at his epic poop, he proceeded to wipe, flush wash, and depart with the exchange of good day between himself and employees. Walking across to the gas station he felt like a new man along with a lighter weight man too! He put the pump back and hoped in the van and headed home. Drinking the Red Bull once again and not thinking of it, he cruised along and proceeded to down the energy drink. All of a sudden, it hit him like a rock getting kicked up from the road. He once again had the bgs and once again needed to take an epic poop. Putting the pedal down to the floor and flashers on as he raced along the mountain back road to his neighborhood, he wasted no time what so ever. The whole way passing cars and continually hitting vtec, he had no time to waste.

Thinking he wasnt going to make it, and starting to panic, he undid his pants while driving and just then, there it was! The Bear Valley community center! He pulled in the parking lot full speed squealing tires off and kicking smoke off the soccer mom mini van. He threw it park grabbed the keys and dashed inside to the crapper! Ignoring the request for his card once inside, he proceeded to an all out spring to the bathroom! Upon arrival he dropped his pants slammed the door shut and exploded once again creating this master piece:



Once again feeling like a new man and like he lost weight, he walked out to the van with an apology to the employees for now showing his usage card. He hoped in the van and drove home not touching the redbull. He immdiately hoped on his laptop and got on cb7tuner.com to share this shocking drama filled story of his morning with all of his fellow 90-93 Honda Accord enthusiasts. And that my friends is the Tale of Ryans Poop Filled Friday Morning.

Now that the story is complete after that bear of a post just typed, I have to take a mean piss. Guess its all that red bull

[Leung]

I must not be eating enough fiber...