quarter life crisis?

[Pandemic]

I could use some help here. I think I'm in my quarter life crisis. Long read but I can use any advice.

For the past year or so I started feeling really confined, I guess. I figured it was pre-wedding jitters and tried to write it off. Now that the wedding is over, I still feel the same way. I'm happily married, no question about that.

I feel a lot of emotions that can probably boil down to a few topics. What those are exactly, I'm not sure exactly.

First, is my job situation.
I went to school years ago for Computer science and security. I was always hoping to eventually apply for the FBI or other law enforcement agency. That dream was dashed when I discovered I didn't want to write code all day (Comp sci). I also couldn't handle the math but I don't think I really tried as hard as I could have... whatever. Anyway, I switched to business management. I SHOULD have transferred to another school for IT but I didn't. So a few years later I get my BS in Business Management.

I've had part time and summer jobs since I was 14 or so. I worked some shitty ones but nothing as bad as what I was faced with in Japan. That job I had there sucked. I could go on about it but it doesn't even matter now. The point is though I think it screwed me up a bit.

I feel trapped by society to have to work. Now, as I said, I always had a job before and I actually enjoyed working. My first full time job (Japan) really sucked and I felt like my life was all about work. That was a bad feeling. Now, not having a job right now is horrible and I do want to work. I'm just really hoping for a job that I would enjoy. Deep down I know that even if I get a bad job it'll only be temporary until I find something better.

I applied to a few jobs yesterday which has me a bit frazzled. One's an assistant manager position at a cinema down the road. Seems like it'd be neat to work there but the hours are going to blow, I know that right now. They open at either 12, 3, or 6pm. It's going to mean working weekends and evenings. Normally it wouldn't be a deal breaker but for some reason I've been really, umm, missing my wife I guess. I think I'm in a degree of culture shock... which seems weird seeing how I'm in Canada. I don't know. Anyway, because I've been lonely, the idea of working during the times when she'll be home sucks a bit. The redeeming factor is that it's part time. Whatever.

When I get overwhelmed (as I am now) I generally tend to compound the emotional toll by worrying about shit that has no bearing even a year into the future. This is going to seem childish and absurd but that's why I feel like this is a quarter life crisis.

I had a really fun childhood. I should have paid more attention in school but I didn't, whatever. The point is I'm really missing childhood, growing up, my teens, and "my room." I'm having trouble closing that chapter of my life. I also find myself thinking about and missing Christmas memories. Two things I find myself thinking about are Christmas morning and watching holiday specials on TV - Charlie Brown's x-mas (and halloween) etc. Which could be from the culture shock AND it being holiday season. My wife and I are going to Finland this year so we're going to miss our families (here).

Moving on, I've recently lost my Grandfather who has, honestly, avoided death about 30 times over in the past ten years. He had a stroke at one point and just got a lot worse. Then he hung on for years and recently died. Anyway, that just got me thinking about my Grandmothers. First, I know I'm lucky to have them in my life at this stage and I'm not complaining about that at all. What I worry about is the day where they pass on. It's going to be devastating to me. Plus my one Grandma has lived next door to us since my parents built their house 23 years ago. When she goes and her house is sold it'll be the end of a lot of fond memories. She's always been there for me.

Anyway, compounding from that I've been thinking about my parents passing on, their house being sold and having zero attachment to that entire chapter of my life. Then I think about my Wife passing on, etc. It is absurd to think about now, I know, but I still do.

I think everything boils down to this:
-I'm homesick and suffering from culture shock (in Canada of all places) maybe due to the holidays
--I can't really leave because we don't have the $$ or method of transportation.
-I'm stressed about finding a job and then finding one that I'll like
-something else I've not thought of yet.



So, what do you guys think? Has anyone had similar feelings like a quarter life crisis?

[buckysaccord93]

Maybe once you get settled in a bit more, and maybe once Christmas passes it won't be so bad. And the job aspect, something will pop up that you will enjoy, even if you have to take the job as the assistant manager for awhile . I can't say I have went through the same crisis because I am only 19 lol. But I know how you feel because I have been stressing out trying to figure out what i want to do with my life once I graduate with my HR degree (human resources).

[Pandemic]

Once I get a job that I can find some level of satisfaction in and once I can afford a car and insurance I think I'll be doing a lot better.

Right now I have my US car here but I am not driving it anymore. I found out that insurance is not covering me as a PR. So the next time I drive it will be when I'm driving it home unless my parents come up to get it (they're still covered on it as visitors in Canada).

We're looking to go to my parent's house this weekend but we would have to rent another car here to drive down because a PR and Canadian Citizen can't drive a US plated car into Canada. So yeah, it's a major pain in the ass.

The other stressful thing is there's a 3 month probationary period in Ontario where the employer can fire you at any time for any reason. That sucks.

[MikeW]

Matt, you sound like you're going through alot of the same emotions i am, man. I spent like 2 hours talking to Deev last night about my wife and all the BS Im going through with that.

Not to say anyone's better or worse off than anyone else as we all have different tolerances and situations, but i feel just like you said, trapped or confined and like im being forced to get a job or keep the shitty one i currently have, no matter how bad it gets.

I dont think I can say "happily married" anymore but thats another long story. I'm in a town I hate that's 2 hours away from all my friends I grew up with and watching them get married, have kids and be happy kills me. Im happy for them and Im glad they have great lives but being so far away makes me feel alone and distant. The only people I have here are my mom and brother. I dont see either very often and I live in the same house with them.

It's just that awkward stage where I'm no longer a kid or a teenager but I feel im too young to have a house, a wife, a dog and 2.3 kids, ya know? But when i look at my in its current situation it looks....empty. Lackluster. I was watching Wheel of Fortune last night and they always ask people what they do or some little tidbit about themselves and i got to thinking, "Ya know...Im not that interesting.." I dont have an awesome or cool job. Im married but its on its way down. Im 26 and live with my parents. I dont have any cool tricks or skills. I didnt go to school for anything and I havent traveled all over the place. Im just your average, run-of-the-mill "dude".

Granted, things could be worse, but i never thought, 5 years ago, that, in 5 years, Id be where i am today. Anymore I dont want to try to imagine where Ill be in 10 years. Or 5 years. Hell, maybe not even 1 year. My plans for the future dont extend beyond the end of the current month and even thats a stretch.

I know what you mean by missing "growing up". I miss that shit, too. I miss not having to worry about money or going to work or a boss. I could hang out with my friends and party and just be care and worry free. "Go to school and get good grades" was all that was expected of me and that came easy. Luckily i graduated high school with a 3.8GPA. Unfortunately, i didnt do anything with it. I worked fast food for 6 years following high school. It got me by and paid the bills but talk about being burned out. Try working overnights at the 3rd busiest store in the state for 2 years. See if your brain doesnt feel like a fried egg afterwards. Try holding down a relationship while youre at it. Not easy.

Its just...I never thought life would be like it is now. When you're young no one ever tells you about these sort of things. They tell you to go to school and enjoy your youth and stuff but no one ever warned me that life isnt as grand as you think. You'll run into awkward times and emotions and feelings, even once you're out of your teens. It's like im still stuck in puberty, lol. Everything and everyone is still weird and uncomfortable. I thought i would've settled by now. I thought Id be on auto-pilot at this point in my life.

[Pandemic]

You hit a lot of points that I'm going through too. I've done some cool things so far in life and I'm still feeling like this.

My Wife and I were looking at houses online the other day just for fun and I just can't see a point in my life where I'll ever be able to buy a house. Kids scare the hell out of me at this point. If my Wife were to get pregnant, I'd probably lose my mind.

I do have a goal, which is good. I'd like to get into law enforcement. I hear finding a job in that is tough though so that's great. And if that plan falls though I don't know where I'll be.

I don't want to snub any jobs right now but I really really don't want to work fast food. I also don't really want to work in sales but maybe only because it seems like such a huge challenge to me. I was hoping to get into IT or another area which I knew something about. The one thing I learned from my job in Japan is that I really get frusterated and stressed when I'm learning about a new job from zero.

[fatboy1185]

What did you do with all your guns when you moved to Canada?

[Pandemic]

LOL, Only two can ever be imported. I do have my firearms license(s) but I've not started bringing them up. Might just buy a few here but that's way in the future. I'm having trouble paying bills at the moment, no money for extras whatsoever.

They're all still in PA at my parent's house.

[Ralphie]

Hmmm ive thought about some of the same things as well from time to time.

My situation is not as rough so im not feeling it like you guys but i do contemplate and miss old times and how it was easier.

I think alot of it stems from the fact that it is so fucking hard on younger generations today then ever in history.

If you look at any cornerstone of life, politics, economy, civil issues, etc

everything is so fucking bleak and the pressure is much harder on students. Years ago an Associates was ok, then a Bachelours was acceptable and soon enough without a Masters or PHD it will be hard as hell to find a job.

In my field right now you only need 15 credits to get accepted to school. But coming in the next few years they want to make my program a 4 year degree.

It just gets harder and harder and harder and the people at the top of the pyramid fuck everything up with their greed and bad decisions and it just makes everything harder for people like us in the middle.

Im at a point right now where i am happily married. The wife and I really want a home bad. Both of us have dreamed of being home owners from when we were little. Especially me. I remember going to Home Depot on the weekends with my parents and thinking how fucking awesome it would be one day to own my own house and have to make Home Depot trips on the weekends to fix things and to have kids involved and help and all the memories that that builds.

But these days you need a solid fucking down payment to offset the price of the houses.

Here in NYC houses average around 4-600k. So if you want to put down 20% of that which is usually the rule of thumb you need $120,000

Who the fuck in their early 20's has $120k to put down?

NO ONE except wealthy Europeans.

It's a little better in Jersey and as you make your way either West or South but weve come to the realization that we need between 20-30k to put down on a house no more expensive then 200k.

20-30k is a lot of money so before we can do that we need two good jobs. HA right now thats not so easy.

So shit is just crap for everyone but if you hang in there things will undoubtedly get better for you and the misses.

As far as finding a job you actually like this is what i tell everyone.

Find something that you enjoy doing. Something that you can wake up every day for 20+ years and actually go in excited about. Something that on the worst days of your life you could go in and do.

For some they have callings but others like me are in limbo.

I chose the Xray field, or medical field in general because i know no matter how bad things get there will ALWAYS be jobs. Job security is very important especially onces kids come.

The pay can be good, starting average in the US is like between 15-30$ and hour.

Here it is like 25 usually.

The workload all depends on your location and specialty.

If you work in the VA and only do OR cases then you probably have heavy days and light days but its usually a constant flow and since VA's aren't trauma hospitals you won't have to deal with crazy shit.

Then there are sub specialties like CT scan, MRI, Interventional, Mammo for the females etc.

So there is always room for advancement and better pay.

Or you could teach with a Bachelours or sell. If you sell xray equipment life can be good. Commission on machines that typically cost anywhere between 250k- over a few million is pretty good if you catch my drift. But you gotta sell...its not for everyone.

Then there are traveling techs who are paid to go places where there are shortages of techs and they pay for your room and board and daily stipend ect and you just go in to their facility and work.

See i can go on and on and on.....

So do your research and find something that is good for down the road and has good benefits but most important that you could see yourself enjoying after 1 month, 6 months, 5 years, 20 years and so on.

[Ralphie]

On a sidenote....the USPS is always a good choice.

My father in law has worked for them for 45+ years.

He is retiring next year and he will pull 80% of his salary for life.

Amazing benefits and also job security.

He works for Corporate HQ but you can do 1 of 1000s of jobs for them.

[King James]

I read the first post but skimmed responses so sorry if theres repeated shit here....Im not really surprised your having a bit of hard time adjusting to life living here.....Were not 100% different from you guys but we most definitely are not the same.

Im not exactly sure what to tell you but I kinda know what your going through....I look back on my high school years and think if only I could have a time machine and go back to grade 11 I would do so much shit differently....Then, like you, I think back to having the security of being a child and at times I really miss it....All Ive ever wanted to do was grow up and be an adult....then you get there and it feels like it totally sucks.....growing up you are learning something everyday.....Then its like once you hit real adulthood you gotta relearn everything all over again....and on top of that you have the pressure to start succeeding in life.

I really felt all the same shit your feeling up until my sister had a kid....I dont know why but that helped immensely.....I mean it does suck having to go through all the trials and tribulations of getting yourself set up for life....but once my sister had the kid it kinda put everything in perspective....As much fun as it is being a child and a teen, it doesnt come anywhere close to watching my nephew grow up....Hes the one thing that every single time I see him I cant stop laughing or smiling....and that makes up for all the shitty parts of being an adult....It makes you (well me) realize that yes there are really shitty parts of being an adult....but then there are some really amazing parts that you can only experience as you get older.....And for me the pros are starting to outweigh the cons tenfold.

[King James]

I just fully read Mikes post and I know exactly what you mean....but Im pretty sure almost everyone feels like this to some extent at this point in their life.....I know I thought Id be set and ready for anything life throws at me at this point....but the reality of it is we are far from grown up and it takes some shitty times to get to the good ones.....Im a bit younger than you guys (24) but from what Ive gathered this is pretty much the turning point in life....Stick it out for a while longer and youll start seeing your effort paying dividends in some way or another.

There arent many people where everything just clicked for them...Talk to your parents and see if they say they were feeling fully secure with their job, their life at this stage in life.....Ive talked to mine and theyve told me many times it took years of struggling and paying their dues to get to where they are now.

if everything in life was easy then life wouldnt be worth living.

[MikeW]

Find something that you enjoy doing. Something that you can wake up every day for 20+ years and actually go in excited about. Something that on the worst days of your life you could go in and do.

That's part of my problem. I havent done EVERYTHING but i cant think of anything I'd enjoy doing every day for the next 20+ years. I can come up with ideas but once i get in it, if i dont like it, i gotta give it up and start on the next and with the economy like it is now, job hopping isnt a smart idea.

I just fully read Mikes post and I know exactly what you mean....but Im pretty sure almost everyone feels like this to some extent at this point in their life.....I know I thought Id be set and ready for anything life throws at me at this point....but the reality of it is we are far from grown up and it takes some shitty times to get to the good ones.....Im a bit younger than you guys (24) but from what Ive gathered this is pretty much the turning point in life....Stick it out for a while longer and youll start seeing your effort paying dividends in some way or another.

There arent many people where everything just clicked for them...Talk to your parents and see if they say they were feeling fully secure with their job, their life at this stage in life.....Ive talked to mine and theyve told me many times it took years of struggling and paying their dues to get to where they are now.

if everything in life was easy then life wouldnt be worth living.

"Death gotta be easy cuz life is hard". Aint that the truth?

My dad was never around. I met him for the first time when I was like 8. Even then, he still wasnt around. I spent some time with him but he's a shallow, slef-satisfying, functional pothead who lives in Arizona and Oregon.
My mom had me when she was 19, gave my sister up for adoption when she was 21 and had my brother when she was 22(she kept him). So when she was my age she had a 3 year old and a kid in grade school. But i remember living with my grandma or in poverty most of my life. Often times watchgn her go through boyfriend after boyfriend, each one lasting around 2 or 3 years. The older i got, the better off we started becoming with each house/neighborhood being better/nicer than the last. Id say it wasnt until middle school that things really started getting "better".

So, i know things could be worse. I do thank God that i dont have a kid(s). They scare the crap out of me, too, but id eventually like to have one. Im just not ready for them right now. May not be for quite some time. That was one thing I always told myself. I wasnt having kids until i could support myself AND them, comfortably. I dont wanna have college tuition set aside, but id like to able to live in a nice home and provide more than just a "roof over their head" ya know?

I dont think this is a complaint thread about how hard life is. I think Matt, myself, and perhaps others at this stge in life are just coming to grips with the reality that things dont go as planned. I dont know about everyone else but like i said earlier, when i was younger, i thought Id have it all figured out by now. I thought Id have a good paying job/education and Id be married and all that jazz. I might as well still be a teenager. Living at home, making just over minimum wage. Hell, i dont feel 26, thats for damn sure. Maybe thats part of it. I havent "grown up". I still feel and act like a kid but i dont know how to grow up. I have a job. I COULD support myself if need be(not sure why i dont..) albeit failing, i got married. I pay my bills. What more is there?

Where's the challenege? Before i moved back in with my 'rents, i was supporting myself on a fast food wage. I remember calling my mom after getting it all under my belt and i asked her, "Is this it? Is it this easy? Where's the 'hard' part?"

And that's it. Job. Home. Car. Bills. Those things are easily done but now what? Is that it? Is that all there is to "life"? Gorwing up i always thought it was "hard". This isnt hard.

But im finding that the "hard" part is everything else. Making ends meet, dealing with boss's and spouses and friends and family. Trying to find fufillment in your life. Thats the hard part.

What if this is as good as it gets?

[LadyG]

Ah, being 25.
While it wasn't that long ago, I have also had children for every bit of my 20's. I have had the "perspective" shift that being a parent gives you over your own childhood. As well as what responsibility does to your life.

I know that at every stage of my children's lives, I have gained new insight into why things were what they were.
You are honestly romanticizing a time in your life when things were less stressful. A time when you could "fuck off" without consequence.

What you feel is the expectation that you should "arrive" at some point in time where things will run smoothly uphill; The harsh reality is that unless you inherit some fortune, that is NEVER going to happen.
Something nobody told me: You should not expect to maintain the standard of living you enjoyed at home, once you leave there. You have to start with milk crates, and maybe keep that decor for a loong time. But not forever.

Facing ^that hideous beast of truth, you must get the shitty job. BUT tell yourself everyday-that when your opportunity to get what you want comes, that job can piss off. Do what you need to do NOW, and it will pay off, even if it pays back in Karma-Opportunities.
Realize that as long as you do all you know you can, you have done enough.

Try to enjoy your young married life. Make friends together. (I bet that is a sore spot for her, just as it is for you.)
Work on what you can, and throw the rest to the wind. Its really there already, anyway.

We all go through this shit.

[Pandemic]

One thing that freaked me out was seeing my birth certificate. My parents were my age when I was born. That completely blew my mind.

One slap in the face was the fact that had the economy stayed where it was while we were growing up, we probably WOULD be where we had imagined.

One tip I've found to help cope with depression, frusteration, and all of the other sour parts of life is sleep. Lots of sleep makes things a bit easier sometimes.


I started this thread because my Wife was saying that she knew a lot of people going through their quarter life crisis and was wondering why I wasn't. Truth is, I am but it hits harder when things are going poorly and I'm frusterated with things. I know I'm not alone.

Starting fresh is always tough. I find myself missing Japan a lot lately and that's because it was familiar, we had an income, and we had friends. That'll happen here too just slowly.

At this point, I think becoming a cop or getting into law enforcement is what I can see myself doing for 20+ years. I've been fascinated by it since I was a kid. Unfortunately, when I met my (now) Wife 5-6 years ago was also when I was trying to readjust to planning on a business type job. Wanting to be a cop was a pretty big shock for her.

[fatboy1185]

LOL, Only two can ever be imported. I do have my firearms license(s) but I've not started bringing them up. Might just buy a few here but that's way in the future. I'm having trouble paying bills at the moment, no money for extras whatsoever.

They're all still in PA at my parent's house.

So you are only allowed to import 2 of your guns? Any guns, or only hunting style guns? Hmmm. Do they require you take classes in order to do that?