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    how to poop at work

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

    FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
    the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE FRED: An Uncle Fred is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Fred makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

    Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

    CrzyTuning now offering port services

    #2
    now that was some funny shit. <end of corny joke>

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      #3
      A co-worker of mine just got fired for taking a shit. Seriously. He was a waiter... he went to drop the kids off at the pool, and his table got impatient. They wanted their check. They grabbed a waitress, who, obviously, couldn't find him. So they grabbed the manager... the manager took care of them, and fired the guy.






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        #4
        Turd burglar hahaha.
        ]

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          #5
          Oh my. Good terms.

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            #6
            "A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water."

            lmao



            93 Accord LX Sedan (sold)
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              #7
              Originally posted by Night Wolf
              "A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water."

              lmao

              i just turn on the faucet in case that thing comes out.

              1993 Honda Accord LX 2004-2009
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                #8
                Huahaha I'm laughing in tears right now that IS some funny shit, dear lord

                Thx for the laugh..Now back to studying

                Ronald

                |~~~~~~~~~~~~- Project CL1 Euro-R continues -~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|

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                  #9
                  lol, its all common knowledge, but now with terms and explanations. It sucks because at my work theres only one bathroom, and people are in and out of it all day. Theres almost never a chance to dump in peace.

                  Though one method I use involves our lights. The lights at my work turn off when the room hasn't been occupied for about 10 minutes. Therefore if I come into the bathroom and the lights suddenly turn on, I know its been quiet and not recently occupied. This signals a good chance that you have come to the bathroom when no one will be using it.

                  Although, murphys law always ruins your bathroom escapade, because when no one has used the bathroom for the past 15 minutes, as soon as you sit down, 10 other people will decide they need to go to the bathroom too.

                  I just try to hold it until I get a lunch break and can go home and shit in peace.

                  on the stairs, she grabs my arm, says whats up,
                  where you been, is something wrong?
                  i try to just smile, and say everything’s fine.

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                    #10
                    funny shit lol you got a lot of time on your hands lately d112crzy
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                      #11
                      Fuck all that. When I take a dump at work I get comfy. That is my down time, my smoke break, my yoga. If I have my Ipod with earbuds I bring some tunes and zone out for a bit. The only thing you have to make sure to do is not take a dump when someone else is taking a dump, not drop watermelons when someone else is in the bathroom, and if you drop a stink bomb that leaves the paint peeling make sure to leave when nobody else is around...

                      Truthfully though...everybody shits...I used to be embarrassed about it...but fuck that! Dropping a deuce at work is sometimes the highlight of my day!


                      Originally posted by lordoja
                      im with you on that one bro! aint nothing beat free food and drinks any day of the week, even if its at a funeral

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                        #12
                        Originally posted by deevergote
                        A co-worker of mine just got fired for taking a shit. Seriously. He was a waiter... he went to drop the kids off at the pool, and his table got impatient. They wanted their check. They grabbed a waitress, who, obviously, couldn't find him. So they grabbed the manager... the manager took care of them, and fired the guy.
                        So if the poor guy was having a case of the squirts , and someone else covered him he got fired for it?

                        Man Id hate to work for your boss.
                        Henry R
                        Koni/Neuspeed
                        1992 Accord LX R.I.P
                        1993 Accord EX OG since 'o3
                        Legend FSM

                        'You see we human beings are not born with prejudices, always they are made for us,
                        made by someone who wants something' -1943 US War Department video

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by cb7wagonPL
                          funny shit lol you got a lot of time on your hands lately d112crzy
                          i know.

                          CrzyTuning now offering port services

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                            #14
                            my digestive system is still messed up from last year's chemo so I guess I would be categorized as a Frequent Flyer.
                            "the J32a2 should be considered one of Honda's masterpieces..." Honda Tuning, July 2006

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                              #15
                              why did i read this in the middle of class, now i cant concentrate. that was great, laughed the entire time.

                              My Members Ride Thread
                              Originally posted by deevergote
                              You have to think outside the box to get IN the box!

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