cant sleep

[jboyce]

so i started writing some chit....

comments/critique...good...bad?


I see shapes and faces painted ever so gracious amidst the naked blue
they hide inside the darkness, closing the shimmering eyes of the sky
they become harder to see when the sun falls asleep
but as the hasty cities breathe they race above our dreams
daintily dancing amidst the azure
these deitys are no daisies rest assured
their foray has suffocated a bounty of eupnea
yet the complacent westward zephyr acquits any complaint
they may recess from the sky to rest amidst our eyes
they’re essential to life, were even sad when they cry
I wearily gazed at the gloomy mist that drooped despairingly
then through a crack an effulgent ray beveled the edges
then i questioned...beautiful billow....or terrible weapon?

[visualpoet]

Not bad, not bad at all. IMO:
"their foray has suffocated a bounty of eupnea" = "their forays have..." and I don't know if I would have gone with "eupnea", very very few people know the word, I'm sure. I'm not feeling "they’re essential to life, we're even sad when they cry" much. It doesn't flow with the style you've used and it feels clumsy and maybe a little simplistic compared to the rest of the poem. There's also a switch from present tense to past tense that I'd fix if it was my work. After a couple of rewrites it should be pretty good.
I don't want you to take my critiques the wrong way, I hope they come across as constructie and not just criticism. I write and have been writing for well over twenty years. I was nominated for both the Lazarus Award and the Harvard Award for Excellence in Writing and self-published a small collection of poetry in the early 90's that surprised me by actually selling all 100 copies! My sister calls me drunk all the time to "Write a quick poem for my hot friend. I was telling her how good you write and showed her some of your stuff." Last time she got a haiku about drunk calling at 3 A.M.

Keep writing. If you love it, you know it just keeps demanding that you release it. The best and worst advice I ever got was "Write, re-write, re-write, set it aside and, after a while, re-write it again."