Need your advice...I'm hurting

[92vig]

I just need to let it out as much as I can...my friends try to offer their "condolences" but arent much help. Let me see where to start.

Two days ago I found out my wife has cheated on me...she says the guy contacted her saying he has something and she should get checked out. I asked her how long ago it was and she said a year. Well after I destroyed the house, punched holes in half the doors, crushed glass cups in my hand, flipped the dressers and bed, and crushed some sentimental dried roses (that we have had for over 3 years).....I called my dad and told him to come over so I could talk to him.

He told me he has caught my mom cheating 4 times so far, the most recent being 2 years ago but he always forgives her. He told me if I loved my wife that I should let her tell me every time she has cheated and work things out.

So after talking to him for 2 hours, I went inside and talked to her for about 3 hours. We have been together for 3.5 years and I have "called her" my wife since about a year and a half into the relationship. We just got married on Valentines day of this year. She told me she has only fucked one other guy and it was in August or September of last year. Some other times were earlier last year and in 2007 etc etc....old times. But the thing that is absolutely killing me is not even ONE WEEK after we got married...while at work, she went with a guy to a park on her break and made out with him. He is married and he has two kids. And she just got married.

I know the guy...I know the guy she fucked as well. I have worked with them directly. I could move on past what happened while we were dating. Shit happens, people make mistakes....fine. But a week after you tell me "I do" and say your vows...in front of both of our families and friends. THAT I dont understand.

I kept asking her WHY....she says she doesnt know. SHe says she doesnt remember how it happens....its like she is a different person and after she does it, shes like "wtf??" Now, I think that is bullshit...trying to cover her ass but whatever...its already done.

I am trying to move on, work past it and start with a clean slate. I tried yesterday...I mmade her change her phone number, I laid down a lot of rules....and I said if I EVER find out she is doing something other than what she tells me she will be doing or if I find out she has cheated even one more time it is GAME OVER. But I am just having a hard time letting it gi...I will always think "what is she doing while I am at work?" or "what is she doing while SHE is at work?"

So what should I do....work it out or call it a loss? I really dont know...my heart has felt heavy for going on 3 days now. It feels like it is beating slow and hard. I am mentally drained. I am angry, sad, depressed....I cant get over this small thing that happened after we were married...I just DONT understand. She told me she thought that after we were married she would stop but obviously it didnt happen...and I told her if anything happens even a text message, I am filing papers and walking out. She said it wont happen again because she cant jeopardize losing me ....I just dont know.

[Pandemic]

You did the right thing. Tell her one more time and you're done. There's no point in wasting your life wondering what your wife is doing. She violated the trust and if it happens again put her out on her butt. If that were my wife she'd already be outside. Harsh but that's what happens when you fuck with a marriage.

You should blow the whistle on the guy too. How'd you find out about all of this?

[91-accord]

IMO, I really don't care how long I've been with someone, but if I found out she had sex with someone else, I'd leave her in an instant because I believe that if that person had the heart to do so, why wouldn't she do it again? Also, I'd feel so betrayed that I just can't trust my love with that person again. No, need to lock urself in that emotional state. Understand that not everyone is made for each other. Also, I uderstand ur anger, but sometimes destroying things just aren't going to solve any problems. Good luck!

[MikeW]

I feel ya man.

Same thing happened to me. I didnt catch her(my ex) in the act, but i caught her saying some shit on the phone and i confronted her and she admitted to it. she said the same thing. "I dont know why i did it.." Whatever.

I forgave her and tried to move passed it and we went on with our lives, but from that day forward, i was doing like you said; wondering what she was doing while i was at work, while she was at work. Who she was texting or calling. A year and half after that incident, she was still talking to the guy and i told her i was done. She had nowhere else to go and begged me to let her stay, and i told her she had to change her phone number and she did. About 6 months later i found her STILL doing it, so i told her she had to go.

Luckily, we werent married, but we had been together for almost 5 years when she left. Eventhough she had done what she did, i was still sad when she left. It's not easy saying "good riddance" after that long. Even if she did cheat on me, i was with her every day. I saw her, talked to her, involved her in my daily life. I woke up next to her everyday for 4.5 years. It's hard to just let that go.

However, about a year or so after she cheated on me, i found myself straying as well. I felt our relationship was on a downhill and going to end soon, so i started talking to old female friends, exes and old love interest. I never cheated on her, but i was talking to other girls.

But i know that feeling and it's not a good one nor is it easy to shake. Once it's in there, it's probably never going to come out. Even if she changes her number, you're still going to wonder. And it's only going to tear you apart, resent her and the only way to satisfy that feeling is to watch her like a hawk. Do that, and she'll get tired of your smothering. It'll turn into a vicious cycle that's not good for any relationship.

My best piece of advice would be to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. Tell her how you feel and what you think of the situation. dont call her names or offend her, but tell her that it was a shitty thing to do. Ask her why she did it and if there's something you can do to prevent it from happening in the future. Tell her you want to work it out and you dont want to spend your time together wondering who or what she could be doing.

I hope it all works out for ya man. Good luck.

[ChampionPanda]

Its a tough thing man, I mean you can try to work it out but if the trust is never again there....It'll never work out. Ide say give it another try and see what happens, but keep in the back of your mind that after so long if trust hasnt started to come back. It might be time to reconsider things. You will hurt for a while I'm sure..you don't stop loving someone, either never did, or always will(stole that from somewhere but very true.) So definitely try to work it out, people can change. Just be mindful of how your feeling and the how the relationship is going. Hope everything works out for ya

[visualpoet]

I know where you're at. I've been there, and it sucks. It wasn't a week after the wedding, but it's still shitty.

If you're going to try, then try. Only you can decide how badly she violated your trust and faith. I can tell you that when it happened to me, it festered in my heart for years. We tried to make it work, but that little tiny spot of doubt was like a fucking malignant tumor that grew and grew. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the trust and faith can take a long time to come back. My ad cheated on my mom for a while, and they managed to salvage things. I however told my wife before we got married (second/current wife, not the first unfaithful one) that one time was it. I wasn't going through all the bullshit again. If I ever found out she'd cheated on me, we were done. She said the same thing back to me.

If you stay and try, she's going to have a long way to go to earn trust back, and you need to make that clear. It's going to take a lot of work, and it might be for nothing, things might deteriorate in the future. You also might talk to her abou getting some counseling to find out why she does this and maybe help her to stop.

[Bcozzi71]

damn man idk that is tough. I feel if my wife were to cheat on me I would flip out and never talk to her again. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[TheFirstNutZo]

Allow me to preface what is to follow by saying that I do not know you or your wife, but I do have some experience of my own. I mean no offense by what is to be said below, I just want to give you things to consider when you try to make your decision(s). Please don't be offended, and instead hear the heart of what I say.
-------------------------------------

I'm really sorry man. That sucks in a big way. I was cheated on once by a girl (we'd been dating about two years). There is no question whatsoever in my mind that I would ever trust her again. The trust of our relationship was violated, and ALWAYS, in my mind, I would wonder "what if she is...." ... "when will she.... " ... "what is she doing NOW...".

It has been years (and she's long gone) ... 6 or 7, and it STILL bothers me. If you think you are capable of forgiving and forgetting, I guess go for it. I can't imagine staying in a relationship with someone I cannot trust --- trust is everything. Do you genuinely believe that she will not do it again?

Does it bother the shit out of you knowing that she allowed someone else inside her? Do you think you can ever forgive that transgression against your trust? Against the sanctity of your relationship?

Figure that stuff out, and go from there. If you think she's worth it in spite of the infidelity, and you believe that she will truly never do it again, and you believe that YOU can come to terms with what she has done (especially in light of the timing of some of it), then work towards reconciliation. I highly suggest that the two of you go seek some marital counseling, if you want to try and make it work.

Otherwise.... run. Get the hell away from her. Get the paperwork filed, and get it done.


Think about this though: If she says now that she won't cheat on you anymore, because she isn't willing to lose you.... What made it OK before? Did she think you'd never know, so it was OK? Did she think you were too spineless to leave her, and (most likely) you are proving that to be true, opening the door for future cheating? Think very carefully about how she could have ever justified such a terrible thing in the past, and why she won't be able to justify it in the future.

Also ask yourself this: Would she take you back if you had cheated on her? Why or why not? How full of shit is she?

[chessboxer]

I just recently went through something similar, and the only advice I can give you is to do what is best for you. I have 3 kids involved, and the saying, "it's cheaper to keep'er" rang true, ha. Man, that's really not funny at all!

Regardless, there is no easy fix or solution. Whatever you choose will be hard and you will never understand her actions. people are slimey, sleazy, and shouldn't be trusted, and this IMO goes for most everyone, not just any one person, it's human nature.

[MikeW]

she says the guy contacted her saying he has something and she should get checked out.

This still worries me...

That's the one thing that would make me drop her like a bad habit. Cheating, ok, whatever, but get something and then either give it to me or take a chance on giving it to me?? No. Kick rocks, bitch.

[4U2H8ME]

I don't mean to sound like the ass when everyone is being sincere with you, but I have ZERO tolerance for a cheating woman. Especially when you could have possibly contract an std. I lost a friend to aids because his wife cheated, contracted it and did not become aware of it until it was too late. Ultimately in the end it is your decision, so think hard and long, and good luck to you.

[CB7 Sleeper]

No, it's over. That is not something you forgive in a relationship, and this is coming from a guy who was the "mystery man" once. A married woman cheated on her husband who she had 2 kids with to be with me. I don't even like to look at her anymore as it wasn't a healthy relationship for me and I ended up getting hurt. Now I actually see how wrong it is. If you are going to have a relationship with somebody, you need to be all about that person, no exceptions.

She is covering her ass and saying things to make you feel better about it. Cheating is unforgivable. Shit does not just happen, it is a choice. She made the choice to cheat on you.

It's done, and it is unforgivable. You can find a better woman than her. She is the same person she was before and she is never going to change. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I can't wait for deev to get in on this to see what he says.

It's unacceptable. Period.

[deevergote]

Walk.

[92vig]

I talked to her mom for about an hour just a little bit ago. She said ever since my wife was young, she has always had mental episodes. And throughout my relationship, she has gone from one end to the other for no reason. We got her on antu-depressants and there are some days when it just plain doesnt work. Like last week, I was at work and she called me talking real crazy shit...crying, saying she was going to kill herself. I feel helpless in that situation.

She has always exhibited bipolar behaviors...always blaming me for things when she is at fault, going from super energetic like she is on crack to all time lows where she hits herself...bashes her head on the wall...she isnt a very strong girl but when she gets like that it takes a good amount of my strength to hold her to stop her from doing this shit. There are many more instances that I dont feel like typing out.

This isnt an excuse...but her mom is taking her in for a mental evaluation today. Her mom said she has been that way as an early-mid teen...mood is always up and down. This is no excuse to justify what she has done...but if she IS bipolar, can I really blame her? I read up on bipolar disorder and every single thing it states describes my wife. Even down to "engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior"....when they have an episode they dont realize what they are doing. When they are in a normal state, they then realize. I understand this is NO EXCUSE and I am not trying to find an excuse to "stay or leave"...but what if?

[Night Wolf]

man dump that sleasy chick. what makes you think she wont cheat anymore? cuz you told her not to? she cheated right after the wedding. shes got no morals! once a cheating hoe always a cheating hoe