your funniest sex fail..... go ahead confess

[MclovinRR]

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was dating a girl from another school in my area. Besides being one of the hottest girls I've ever known, she was also one of the very first girls to give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. This was because I had convinced her that--I'm not making this up--it wasn't "real" oral sex as long as I didn't come in her mouth. Aren't 17 year old girls funny?The first few dozen times she went down on me I courtesy tapped just like she asked. One time we were in my car, parked right out front of her house because I was dropping her off after a date. Instead of a kiss goodnight, I suggested she blow me goodnight. She thought this was a brilliant idea.

I quickly got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick twenty yards away from her house where her father, who I hated, was waiting for her to come home. I was lost in the sexual ecstasy of the dangerous youthful blowjob when I heard her let out a little yelp. She immediately sat up, her mouth half open, full of splooge, the excess dripping off her chin, and uttered a muffled,


"You asshole!"

Then she spit the come all over my face. Sprayed it all over me.

I was still recovering from getting my own jism spat into my own face as she jumped out of my car and sprinted into her house. I quickly drove off. I had no desire to face her rifle-wielding father with my face covered in her spit and my sperm.


This is not one of mine everyone. This is from Tucker Max's page but still worth reading lol.

hahahaha this was priceless i laughed for a while and had wifey read she got a silly little chuckle out of this too..... so yes i give this guy a 9 also.... very entertaining but not have me in tears and in an omg situation..

The cop stories ere funny, and while on that subject, I think i can do you one beter...

A few years ago I was going out with this girl (Patty) We decided to get it on but we couldnt go too far since she had snuck out of her house. She lived real close to the Rose Bowl so we went there. So we were doing our thing and then she got on top and was ridding me like crazy, we were lsitening to music (reggaeton) kinda loud, lol. I was enjoying the ride, the windows were foggy, and then she says,"whats that?" I said, whats what? "that light?" And I say, is it a cop? She says,"idk, the light is too bright" I say, shit it is a cop! So she goes to her seat, I go to mine, as im slidding onto my seat the cop was flashing the light at me already. My cockus was hanging out, and he says,"what are you doing?" i look at him and say, ahhhh(gesturing with my hands up and down, as if saying wtf?) and he says,"get dressed, you know how dangerous it is to be out here... yadayada. So he lets me go with a warning. And we end up going somewhere else to finish. stupid cop!

yeah i guess this was one of the funnier cop ones but juiced is still funny since the cop got a nice ass shot.... of him... lol.... but yes a cawker in a cops face is also funny so i give you an 8 my friend

Hey MclovinRR, I see you giving out #'s on the fails. what is it, on a scale of 1-10. 1 being low and 10 being the highest?

yes sir...

ok my turn .... one night me an my ex gf where doing what we always did, fuck lol. so we where in the heat of the moment an things where getting wild. i was hitting it from the back (best position ever!!!) smacking ass, pulling hair, just going ape shit. untill i hear a blood curling scream an her laying on the bed crying hahaha. some how while thrusting deep into that shit my dick went pussy to ass without her knowing hahahah. i really didnt know what to say or do since she was crying so bad. she kept saying i ripped her asshole open

i think everyone has done this or will do this in one point in their life.... see i almost did this but wifey has reflex's of a cat and before the tip would even touch she was already on her back with all fours up lol....but yeah you get an 8 also on ripping the asshole...

i also have alot about getting caught outside by random people/cops haha. but ill go into those later

lol taarruuueee

"i hope they sell beer in hell" yeah it made me laugh alot

ever had a whiskey d**k?
well i once met this girl back in cali who invited me to her graduation party, i showed up with my buddy, the whole night she kept on giving me beers, at the end of the party we went to her bedroom, she unzipped my pants and started going at it, i swear to yall this girl must have given me the longest bj of her life!! i cant remember but all i know is that she kept on telling me that she didnt want me to cum in her mouth, i told her that i wouldnt, like two hours later i came, it was a priceless look, she spat it in a beer bottle and i think i passed out because i dont remember anything else. all i know is that i went to sleep a happy man, i woke up the next morning, i got dressed, walked out of her house, havent seen or heard from this girl since. oh yeah she had braces too

yeah i shot one in wifeys mouth unexpectadly once... needless to say she actually was so surprised she swallowed it all ran to the bathroom and couldn't vomit it back up.... when she came back all she said was.... it actually doesn't taste to bad...lol...yay for me... 5 for you

This happened awhile back but it def is a sex fail.

I cheated on my gf with this girl who was a virgin at the time.

After we had sex my bed looked like a crime scene.
She was like "That's it? we're not doing it again" I was like ugh I gotta bring you home.

So I walked her home(Didn't shower keep this in mind lol) and went to a friends house and called my gf up and I felt like total shit. This was the first girl I cheated on. She was like "It's okay don't worry about it I want to see you tomorrow"

So I crashed at my friends house after drinking like 5 energy drinks.

The next day my gf came over, I still hadn't showered and my friend drove us to her house to get something.

In the car she was all over me and wanted to go down on me I remembered I just banged the virgin mary the night before and my penis looked like a bloody murder weapon. So I told her no wait till we got home.

Having my friend in the car must of turned her on or something and made her want to blow me more.

She kept insisting and I finally gave in as she unzipped my pants.

I let her go at it. and to this day she doesn't know she gave me a blowjob that had some chicks stuff on it.

I guess she got her "Red wings" lol.

ohhhhhh duuuuude awwesoooommmmmeee 10 for you for givin your girl a bloody vag dick....

drunk, horny AND 18 (great combination) just moved to the states.
I meet the janitors daughter in the complex i used to live in, anyways since her Dad is always doing rounds all over the complex, i took her in my car to the back parking lot, parked the car in reverse 1-2 inches away from the wall, put the windshield cover on, and it was on. My dumb ass forgot to put the e-brake on, so those 15mins of banging f*ucked up my rear bumper (bad). Its funny because is one of the things were you see them, you feel bad, you smile, but dont regret it

so true oscar its like... damn it was sooo good that the fucked up bumper is sooo worth it.... you get an 8 bro..... it wouldve been better if while ya'll where getting out the car he would've been parked in front of your car in his cart smilling and then his daughter came out of your car and his faced did a complete 180... now that would've been funny hahahaha...

[skilzz]

haha.. i need to make a new loggin to post in these threads man. my fails are bbaaaaadddd

[MclovinRR]

haha.. i need to make a new loggin to post in these threads man. my fails are bbaaaaadddd

dooz it my friend

[mysticude]

haha.. i need to make a new loggin to post in these threads man. my fails are bbaaaaadddd

the problem is you will have to get to 30 posts to get out of the beginners section

[Brandoncb7]

I met Jill at some ill-conceived fundraiser for multiple amputee infants with fluid in their brains and swollen spinal cords. It was thrown by the Junior League or some sort of similar organization dedicated to finding rich husbands for vacuous single women. She was one of the organizers, very good looking, and seemed normal, which is very significant in Florida. We talked about the wine, I pretended to listen to her, she loved that I came from a "prominent Florida family"--a quote that still sends me into fits of laughter--so we went on a date later that week.

I thought she was kinda bland and boring at the charity event, but I went on the date anyway because she was hot. On the first date she only reaffirmed my initial impression--she sucks. Not dumb, but not bright, not interesting, but not totally repellant; this girl was there, but that's about it. There seemed to be nothing compelling about her aside from her looks.
Despite that fact that she bored me, something about her kept me into the first date enough to go on a second--despite her refusal to hook up after Date One. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was something there that I wanted to see more of. Besides, I hadn't had sex in two weeks and she was my best option.

Date Two started out boring as well, until I figured out why I had a subconscious interest despite her inability to hold a conversation. I made a totally innocuous joke about having to pay more when you beat up Guatemalan hookers during sex, and the girl instantly went from polite-but-distant to clearly-into-me. The conversation turned to sex and it was like a switch was thrown. It was weird; everything about her lit up, she became totally engaged in the conversation and actually became slightly interesting. At one point she got a Cheshire cat grin on her face, her eyes narrowed and she coyly asked me,

Jill "Are you naughty, Tucker Max?"Tucker "Who are you talking to? You can't think up anything that I haven't done already. Twice."

I didn't know it then, but that exchange would soon have a place of honor in the Foot-In-Mouth Hall of Fame.

Remember when I said she seemed normal? Yeah...I was quickly dissuaded of that notion when we got back to my place and she took my hands, placed them around her neck and told me,

"I want you to strangle me as you fuck me. Not too hard, don't choke me, but make sure I can feel it."

It was a bit awkward at first. Not really strangling her; there are plenty of girls I've wanted to choke to death, but more coordinating the act itself. It's not easy to fuck with both your hands around a girl's neck, especially if you've never done it before. You're so used to using your hands for other things--balance, hair-pulling, using the remote--that it takes you awhile to get a rhythm going. But once I got acclimated, it was kinda fun.

The next morning, we moved on from my hands to my belt. Around her neck, pulling on it as I fucked her from behind. The best part was when she was putting the belt around her neck, and asked me,

"Do you have a t-shirt or washcloth I can use? I need to put something soft between the belt and my neck or it'll leave marks."

This girl was straight out of an HBO Real Sex episode (except not ugly). If it was sexual, she wanted it to include pain and humiliation. Over the next three weeks, we ran the entire gamut of sexual deviancy:

The first night was erotic asphyxiation.

The next night we added dominance role playing, name calling, and brutally violent ass sex.

The third night we acted out her mock rape fantasies.

Then it just avalanched from there...tossing my salad, comfy cuffs, kitchen utensils. Pain. Torture. Everything you can imagine and worse.

Hmmm...I wonder if she has issues with her childhood?

At first, I kinda liked it. I got to beat her up during sex, call her whatever names I wanted, pull her hair, throw her around, fuck any hole I wanted as hard as I wanted, and basically do anything I could think of to her whenever I felt like it; nothing was out of bounds. She was like my own personal sexual canvas to experiment on. Pain, torture and humiliation do not turn me on sexually, but I had never really done any of this to this extreme before. The novelty of it all was exciting.

But every night some variation of this sentence would go through my head, "Am I really doing this to her? Did I just stick a carrot in her ass as I fucked her doggy-style? And she LIKES it?" After about three weeks of this, every time pushing it further and further, I was at the point where I was doing shit to this girl that could have literally gotten me thrown in jail. I was thinking about filming her consenting to this stuff, Tupac style, because when I dumped her I didn't want the blood on my spatula to be used as evidence against me in a domestic assault case.

The true irony was that it in a way, these sorts of things were almost more debasing to me than to her. I pride myself on being so outlandish and outrageous that normal people don't know how to deal with me--but this girl, without realizing what she was doing, was flipping it on me. She was beating me at my own game. No matter what I did, she wanted more. If I spanked her, she wanted to be spanked until her ass was raw. If I spanked her ass till my hand prints were plastered all over it, she wanted to me to spank her till she bled. If I called her a "bitch" during sex, she wanted to be called a "whore." If I called her a "whore," she wanted to be called a "filthy cunt whore." I'm literally a professional at humiliating and debasing people, but this girl was absorbing my entire repertoire and then coming back and asking for seconds.

She was like Tyler Durden in Fight Club, in the scene with he lets the mobster beat him up after catching them using his bar basement for weekly fights. Tyler just lets the guy beat his ass. The mobster hits him and hits him--dropping fist after fist right on his face--but Tyler gets up, covered in blood, and laughs at him. That is so fucking demoralizing. When someone takes your absolute best shots and, instead of retaliating, simply gets back up and asks for more--what the fuck do you do then? That WAS my best shot!

This girl's appetite for pain and degradation was outstripping my ability to hurt and humiliate her, but I refused to let her beat me. It wasn't even about the sex or the experimentation anymore (and it was never about the relationship, because aside from the freaky sex this girl was basically worthless). No, for me it was about seeing who's limits we could reach first. I HAD to get her to blink. Tyler Durden isn't having Fight Club in MY basement, goddamnit.

I started browsing S&M websites, emailing my friends asking for suggestions and even consulting dominatrixes for ideas. I was about to tap out, when one night it all came to a head.

Like every other time she came over, Jill showed up ready for abuse. I met her at the door, pulled her by the hair into my place (she loved that) and started forcing myself on her (another of her favorites; believe me, this is not my normal way of greeting people).

As I was ripping her blouse off, I realized I had to drop the kids off at the pool, so I was about to excuse myself to take a dump, and then it came to me--something that had to be too much for her.

I took her by the hand into my bathroom, dropped my pants, sat on the toilet, pointed to my dick and looked up at her: "Start sucking."

Now, this has GOT to be the limit. There is no way this girl is going to give me head while I drop a fucking deuce. No way. NO girl would do this. NO FUCKING WAY.

What did she do? Say no? Leave in disgust? Storm out of my apartment in a rage? Nein, fraulein.

Without a moments hesitation, she went right to work. Just when I thought I had won the race to the bottom with this girl, I was proven wrong. Again.

[Brandoncb7]

How absurd is my life? Picture yourself in this situation: Sitting on a toilet in a relatively small residential bathroom, pushing feces out of your ass, with a girl on her knees in front of you, still fresh from work in her nice business casual blouse and linen pantsuit, lips wrapped around your cock, working it like a runaway. What would you do? Is there some sort of etiquette for this?

I started pushing harder. I didn't care if I popped a blood vessel in my head and died on the toilet from an aneurysm like Elvis, I was determined to get her to quit. It was at this point I paused and thought to myself, "I bet this will be the only time in my life where I desperately wish for a disgusting flood of diarrhea."

The first turd (sadly, it was solid) plopped loudly into the toilet. No reaction. Nothing but continued enthusiasm for my cock.

The second turd...nothing. It was like she was just giving a normal blowjob. I kinda leaned back in the seat so the odor would have more room to waft up into her nostrils.

The third turd...she started to hit her stride, really working her hand on the shaft and slurping the head.

The fourth turd...aren't her knees at least hurting? This is a tile floor.

I pushed and pushed and pushed until I was on the brink of giving myself hemorrhoids when my colon finally just gave up, completely devoid anymore fecal matter...and Jill was still going strong. No matter how bad the smell got, nor how loud I grunted, nor how disgusting the noises my ass made were, she would not stop. Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused. I don't know how she kept breathing. I damn near choked from the smell and I was a full two feet further above the poop than she was.

As I sat there on the almost uncomfortably warm toilet seat, unwiped, smelling my own shit, my ass sweating and falling asleep at the same time--about to come because she was so good she could bring me to orgasm in a coma--I gave up.

Fuck it. If I can beat her, choke her, shove things into her ass and get incredible head on the toilet, and STILL not find her limits, then she wins. I can't go any further.

Many of you may be thinking, "Dude, there are tons of things you could have done worse than that. Why not a Cleveland Steamer?," etc, etc.

That is a legitimate question, but even I have my limits. I'm not Chuck Berry and I'm not crossing into the world of defecation for sexual gratification. I know it turns some people on to take a dump or piss on other people, but I'm sorry, that shit is just out of bounds for me...literally.

I mean, I was willing to race her to my bottom, but not the bottom. I was not willing to go beyond things that I was comfortable with. The fact that she EAGERLY sucked me off on a toilet seat as I took a dump really sent it home--this girl meant business. It almost makes my skin crawl thinking about what I would have had to do to hear a "No" out of her. Yeah, I could have brought a dog in and asked her to fellate it, but for fuck's sake--what if she said yes? Then what do I do? Watch her suck off a Dalmatian while I wait my turn? Hit it from behind as she slobs on Fido's bone? Thank you, but no.

I honestly thought I was beat. I even got a little depressed, and started moping around south Florida, unsure what to do next. But in a stroke of amazing Tucker Luck, I broke her totally by accident, in a way I never would have imagined.

Three days later, she sat me down at dinner and said, in a very somber serious tone:

"Tucker, you need to get serious with me, or we can't keep seeing each other. It is humiliating to me that I am seeing a man that my friends know is also seeing other women."

I didn't even know what to say. I really didn't. I was totally stupefied by that sentence. Did this girl actually think I would seriously date her? Is this a joke? It may be a double standard and I may be an asshole, but how the fuck am I supposed to have any respect for a girl who would do the things she did? Especially with ME of all people?

At the time, I could only muster one response:

"HAHHAHHHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Wait, wait...HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA."

She got pissed and stormed out of the restaurant.

I know I should have said something like, "You mean when I double-penetrated you with produce, that wasn't humiliating, but what your friends think about us is?," but I just couldn't. I may have got her to blink first, but it was a hollow victory.

I was like that Korean boxer who "beat" Roy Jones Jr. in the '88 Olympics. Yeah, I got the gold medal, but everyone in the world knows I didn't really win

LMFAO

[MclovinRR]

Dear Brandon,
Dude i hate reading long, ass, fucking posts!!! But this kept me soooo fucking entertained that i thought i was literally reading a penthouse forums post... and this was sooo detailed that (even though i have no clue what you or the woman looked like) i pictured everything in my head as i read on.. this was an absolutely amazing, thrilling, shocking, interesting, vulgar, just all around crazy post i have read in my life... i mean i only thought that these things happened in the movies but i guess not.. dude this one decimates all post ever on this thread.... you get a solid 10 my dude...

[Brandoncb7]

Sorry lol. This is another one from Tucker Max. I won't post anymore that aren't mine. I thought i'd share that one with everyone though. He has some weird ass shit. Tuckermax.com You should definitely go there sometime.

[MclovinRR]

Sorry lol. This is another one from Tucker Max. I won't post anymore that aren't mine. I thought i'd share that one with everyone though. He has some weird ass shit. Tuckermax.com You should definitely go there sometime.

damn you brandon... wtf!!!! dude this would've been an epic win for you dude... come on you should've just taken this one for you and changed the names in it or something bro... lol none the less, it was an interesting read bro so you still get a 10 for keeping me entertained... im sick right now and hate reading shit when im good, imagine when im all stuffed up and with a headache.............this was good....

[Brandoncb7]

LMAO. Yeah I couldn't take credit for this one. I do have a couple of nights that I plan on writing about in this thread but I need to sit down one night and actually remember everything that happend that way you can get the full picture lol. I'm a whore. But most of the time when I go out i'm so drunk that alot of details are forgotten. I have completely forgotten about some of them, or just don't know their names and will have to make up some lol.

[MclovinRR]

LMAO. Yeah I couldn't take credit for this one. I do have a couple of nights that I plan on writing about in this thread but I need to sit down one night and actually remember everything that happend that way you can get the full picture lol. I'm a whore. But most of the time when I go out i'm so drunk that alot of details are forgotten. I have completely forgotten about some of them, or just don't know their names and will have to make up some lol.

dude, names arent important... details and things done are....lol.... so just replace the forgotten name with jane doe or girl A.... lol

[MclovinRR]

come on i know theres more sex fails out here... doesn't have to be yours but has to be funny... come on

[Brandoncb7]

I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime "But...I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."

Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."

Jaime "But...I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."

Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

[Brandoncb7]

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The *** waiter. I consulted several *** waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.

Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

"Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.


POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home.

[MikeW]

Fail.

These are long and theyre not yours. Like Mclovin said, fuck reading, lol.